Young Christian Couples: Let's Talk Sex; FAQ (Part 2)

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1. Over 2 years of being together and no sex? How is this normal for you guys, since this wasn't how your previous relationships were?

DAVID: This is hands-down, my toughest project to date. Growing up, I was always told that sex should be saved for marriage. My Sunday school teachers told me that God would punish those who had sex before marriage. Because I did not want the wrath of God upon me, I decided at a young age that I would save sex for marriage. This was an easy vow to make during the times when I still ate boogers and thought girls were a little nasty. However, that phase passed and when the opportunity for sex presented itself, my fear of God’s punishment was nowhere to be found in the heat of passionate moments. Despite becoming sexually active, things in my life were still going very well. As a result, I came to the conclusion that God must not have been that unhappy with my new lifestyle. Watching porn, masturbating, and having sex had all become part of my norm. 

This was the case until I had an “at the well” experience. This happened gradually, but I became aware of an inherent hunger and thirst that lived deep within me. After numerous nights of studying the Bible and listening to sermons on YouTube during my senior year in high school, I began to learn more about this God who I had been running away from in my early days. The peace and the joy that came with knowing Him super passed the satisfaction of all the acts of temporary pleasure that I had come to know. Slowly but surely, God began to flip my world upside down. What I had come to accept as normal no longer felt right. Coming to know the love of God was the GAME-CHANGER for me. Temptation and sin did not magically disappear, but my reactions to them were no longer the same. During this transitional period, I fell countless times, because in my eagerness to change, I fought with my own strength. As God led me to humble myself, teaching me that the “spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak” (Matthew 26:41), I decided to surrender all to Him; my thoughts, my desires, my body, my all. For my body, abstaining from sex remains a foreign concept, as I am always ready to go. However, in my spirit, I am at peace with the decision to abstain, regardless of how unpopular this might be. I've chosen to die to this body in order to free my spirit, which carries the image of God. And this, has made saving sex normal.

ELLA: Adjusting wasn't easy at all for me. In my previous relationships, I expressed how much I wanted to practice abstinence. The guys would either play along with it for a while and cheat on me or they made me feel stupid for thinking that was an option. Before we got together, intimacy and sex were equivalent to me, it was a part of “showing” love or interest for someone. That mindset didn't just melt away when we got together, so the transition wasn't easy. I didn’t know how to show my love or affection without getting physical.  I remember also feeling like David wasn’t interested in me and he didn’t love me because he didn’t show his affection the way my ex’s did. Our first Christmas together he wrote me a poem along with my gift, and I thought it was really sweet…that’s it. A couple months ago I read it again and I couldn’t stop crying, seriously blown away by his love for me. But I realized that I didn’t really feel that way when he first gave it to me. It showed me that God was working on my heart the whole time. Transitioning definitely wasn’t normal but as I pursued God, He literally performed open heart surgery on me and I had no idea. When we allow the world to teach us how to love, we eventually end up suffering. Saving yourself for your spouse should be normal, but we need to turn back to God in order for it to be normal again. Don’t worry about it not feeling normal or how hard it’s going to be, God will handle it but are you READY?

2. Do you think saving sex for marriage is the key to a perfect marriage?

DAVID: The adjective “perfect” solely belongs to God. He is the only perfect being. We, as Christians, receive perfection once we receive Christ, accepting His sacrifice for our sins and living our lives in accordance to His will. In the same breath, a perfect marriage is a marriage in which God is the foundation, the roof, the walls, the windows, the floors, the everything, the all in all. When the purpose of the union of man and wife is to glorify God in all aspects, it is perfect. HOWEVER, PLEASE DO NOT MISUNDERSTAND ME. The perfection I speak of does not guarantee an easy marriage, free of disagreements, tension, or any other marital challenges. The perfection I speak of is perfection that comes from two people who have become one and collectively, seek God above and before all things. That is the essence of purpose driven love. This does not exempt them from marital struggles. Instead, it strengthens them to overcome any challenges they might face. By saving sex, which is such a powerful and beautiful tool for intimacy (Thank you Lord for being so considerate), partners can work on building a firm foundation with a clear mind and clear vision, that will help them face all obstacles til death do them part. I believe that this firm foundation can only be built in God, as He is Love Himself. Getting into the habit of making God first, even before marriage, will not guarantee a perfect marriage (if your definition equals challenge-free), but it will strengthen us to overcome any obstacles we might face in marriage. Think of it like the matrix, when you rollin’ wid the Trinity, you might get bruised up a couple times, but you can’t lose. And that’s...perfection.

ELLA: Please do not get it mistaken, we are not claiming that abstinence comes with a guaranteed “perfect” marriage. But, marriage God’s way will! Doing everything His way and allowing Him to be the foundation of our relationship, till death do us part will produce a beautiful marriage! This means while courting we chase Him, study each other and build a strong foundation. We now know that a Godly marriage isn’t just two Christians who waited till marriage to have sex and go to church. I think there are so many failed marriages within the church because Christians aren’t applying the word in their marriage. Marriage God’s way means we serve each other, it’s a ministry! In a Godly marriage the husband loves his wife just as Christ loves his church (Jesus LOVES His church so much, it was worth His life). And the wife should submit herself to her husband, while He submits himself to God. Submission doesn’t make a woman weak; I think what’s weak is settling for a man you can’t submit to. Saving sex for marriage is a huge step towards a beautiful marriage, but it’s not the only step. It’s like preparing a meal, if you forget the spices, water and other ingredients the food cannot be enjoyable. As the chef you have to pick up that cookbook, the BIBLE!

3. What are your thoughts on masturbation?

DAVID: From a brother’s perspective, I understand that there is a natural need to release semen after a certain period of time, as build up can have some detrimental effects. At the same time, I understand God’s ability and desire to bring forth our “inner man”, our spiritual and true selves, in spite of our limited bodies. We live in a world that has sex everywhere (sex to sell carpets, sex to sell car insurance, even broken Toys R Us toys end up being dildos) and I don’t think a brother in today’s age can stroke his beef while keeping his thoughts SOLELY on a mathematical equation, without lust. BUT let’s just say he is able to accomplish this. Is it ok to masturbate then? As much as I would love for the answer to be “yes”, as the urge to release by way of masturbating can become overwhelming at times, I’m inclined to say “NO”. I used to hope and pray that God would just take the urges away; that way I could more easily stay away from sin, in that area. After some time, however, I’ve learned that He might never take the urge away and he’ll allow my physical urges to remain as they are so that I might learn to depend on Him, tapping into the power He has placed within me. This is power that He has given me to be the master of my body rather than a slave to it. REMEMBER, children of the MOST HIGH, we have been BORN AGAIN, WE ARE spirit beings, WE ONLY HAVE souls, and WE ONLY LIVE in physical bodies.”

ELLA: David basically summed it all up! Some consider this a daily battle, and others feel like they have control over it so “it’s not that serious”. The crazy thing about masturbation is, the urge can sneak up on you from the moment you wake up to the moment get in bed to rest for the night. It’s sad because being sexually frustrated can cause a person to feel the need to release their frustration through masturbation. So is it right or wrong? Well as David’s fine self said, it’s not something we should engage in because we are also spiritual beings. Our physical desires can leave us in shame, guilt, and brokenness. I look at it as temporary satisfaction, it’s not solving anything once you’ve masturbated you’ll go back the next night and the night after that. Instead of depending on a temporary fix to quench your thirst, allow God to break you free and do not forget that when sin has you in bondage, change doesn’t happen overnight.

4. Do you think sexual faithfulness (abstinence) is unique to every couple or is there a universal standard? Please Explain.

DAVID: At the heart, sexual faithfulness is universal. It is motivated by love, it is selfless, and it is God-centered. However, I do believe that the expression of sexual faithfulness is unique and can look different for different couples, (in some cases). Some Christian couples abstain from kissing because they see it as a gateway drug that can lead to premarital sexual activity. Other couples do not feel the same way and they go right along smooching each other like nobody’s business. Honesty and transparency are needed to decide what works best for a particular couple. If kissing leads just one partner to lust, then that couple should stop kissing. And this goes for all interactions. If holding hands leads just one partner to lust, it is best for the couple to just walk with hands to themselves. How one chooses to dress is also important. Let me make this a little personal for a second. Ella is nicely blessed and endowed with particular physical attributes that will cause festivities in ya boy’s pantalones if he looks for too long, and she knows this. Out of respect and love, she is more cautious about her choice of attire when we are together. Today, some will call this extreme and controlling, BUT it really shows true selflessness.

Let’s consider what Jesus said when he raised the standard in regards to committing adultery; “but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:28).  Until the vows are made before God and in the presence of loved ones, Ella is not mine, and to approach or even look at the King of kings’ little princess in a lustful manner is probably not the brightest idea. Therefore, even if God Himself has made it clear that in due time, she will be my wife (HALLELUUU), husband privileges do not apply until ya boy leaves his father and mother to cling to his wife.

5. How do you guys deal with the distance? Are you nervous about how things will be when you guys are close?

DAVID: Although it’s been extremely tough, the distance between us has truly been a blessing and I know that it was no accident on God’s part. The same way God made Adam and gave him territory and work, before saying “it is not good that the man should be alone”, He is using the distance to build me into the man He has called me to be so that one day (hopefully, SOON) He will look at me and say, “it is not good that David should be alone.”  

One major lesson God continues to teach me through this distance is self-discipline. While God rid me of the addiction years ago, the urge to watch pornography and/or masturbate are still very much alive. Apart from this, looking at fine women lustfully is still a challenge. Waging war against such things on a daily basis builds my self-discipline, which proves extremely beneficial when Ella and I are together during school vacations. Even still, I do get nervous as my attraction to her is SO REAL, but I am confident in knowing that my ability to remain sexually faithful is not rooted in my own strength, but in God who lives in me. And I am extremely thankful to God as He has literally swooped in and rescued us in moments of extreme weakness when things could have gone bad.

ELLA: I can’t believe I am about to say this but I’m grateful for the distance. If I couldn’t see the person daily, I wasn’t interested in a relationship. God gave me exactly what I needed, not what I wanted and I LOVE Him so much more because of that. I noticed that because of the distance, our love has zero boundaries and nothing can suppress it. The distance is only when we’re in school, but during holidays and breaks we’re together. When we’re able to spend time together, I’ve learned to cherish every moment and enjoy his presence. Yes, there are times that I do not trust myself because of how much I’ve missed him, after spending some time apart. In those moments I do not try to act like I’m a professional at composing myself or controlling my emotions. Although it’s hard not to act that way because we’ve been waiting together so long, but the moment I think I can resist temptation by my own strength, God humbles me. He reminds me that I have to keep my focus on Him regardless of what we’re doing. It’s a daily battle and sometimes I fail but I always get back up, because my goal is to be His faithful servant.

6. Knowing for so long that God has put you two together, how has that impacted the way you deal with your attraction to others?

DAVID: Practicing sexual faithfulness and choosing to save sex for marriage has served as an advanced placement course in handling my attraction to others. Please let me explain. By practicing abstinence with the woman I am currently most attracted to, I am strengthening my self-discipline and learning to bring my bodily natural urges into subjection. Therefore, when I feel attraction to others, I don’t jump into a pit of guilt and beg God to take it away. I simply call upon the power and self-discipline that God has granted me and I wage war against any lustful thoughts or ideas, the same way I do when Ella and I's attraction for one another puts us in potentially compromising situations. Now I see that practicing abstinence with Ella is not only helpful in strengthening me against temptation that comes from my attraction to others NOW, but it is also preparing me for continued faithfulness once we are married. That's when it really gets tough. By then, I would have tasted her goodies a number of times, Ella may not appear as pleasing to the eye, and I might find myself on timeout during and shortly after pregnancy. In those moments, the strengthened self-discipline that came from abstaining during these premarital years will be essential in waging war against the temptation to commit adultery then.

ELLA: I think we choose what we entertain, although sometimes we may feel like our thoughts and feelings are uncontrollable, our actions shouldn’t be based off of them. It’s not that David is the only handsome guy I know, but when I see David you can simply tell by just looking at me that that’s my man! Even when I try to keep my composure when we are in certain settings, I’ve been told that it’s written all over my face. The effect his presence has on me cannot compare to anyone else’s.  Sometimes people take “admiring” someone’s beauty too far, which just opens the door to so many things that can potentially contaminate their relationship. I steer away from that because I don’t want to start comparing David to other guys in any way. I don’t believe things just happen, we prep ourselves for failure and success every day! For example when couples say “I just don’t feel the same anymore” or “I’ve lost interest”, that didn’t just happen overnight. Therefore, we have to be cautious and always question our intentions.

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PEACE & LOVE,

DAVID & ELLA