Young Christian Couples: Let's Talk Sex; FAQ (Part 1)

PART 2 will be posted very soon! Here are some questions we've been asked and we thought it would probably help others too. If you have any questions or you wish to discuss certain topics further, let us know below! For social media you can contact us on  Instagram : @For_ella @Presidentduodu,  Facebook : Emmanuella Tandoh (hardly on there) , David Asamoah-Duodu and Twitter : @presidentduodu @_xfollowmyheels.

1. Marriage is so far away; you guys are young, why start waiting now?

DAVID: The start of our careers is also far away, yet we’re in school, studying, writing papers, searching for internships, etc. in hopes of best preparing ourselves for our specific offices. In the same breath, we feel that marriage is a serious office that requires serious preparation. We believe that waiting is a huge element of that preparation, and so... we wait.

ELLA: What he said… Why not start now? Before we are even a couple we are God’s children, and our relationship with Him should also come before “us”. It amazes me how we’re so quick to subtract Gods instructions, and shove Him away but not question how the society says our relationships should be. We’re starting now because we want to grow intimacy every day. You might say it’s still possible to grow in intimacy with sex, but I think people only believe that because that’s all they know. When I compare my previous relationships to me and David’s relationship, I see a huge difference! Abstinence has a way of revealing your true colors without your control, I knew I had issues but this relationship has shown me that I’m actually a hot mess. It’s done the same for David also, loving each other back to life and praying for each other has brought a tremendous amount of healing! I know waiting till marriage isn’t the easiest thing to do, actually it’s become the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But it’s brought healing I didn’t know I needed, brought me closer to God, and a relationship that always seems too good to be true. It’s worth it.

2. Is phone sex ok?

ELLA: It’s not. We could probably come up with a million excuses for why it is “technically okay”, but relax it’s not. Ask yourself why are you having phone sex, and the reason it’s not okay is right there…YOU’RE HORNY!  It’s like an addiction to a drug and when that urge comes, you just have to get your fix or you can’t function. Hormones aren’t removable but when that urge comes, you don’t have to feed into it. By God’s grace we’ve never had phone sex. I say it is by His grace because as attracted as we are to each other and the distance between us during semesters, we should’ve. This does NOT mean I’ve never been turned on by his mesmerizing voice or randomly while he’s talking. I have, once or twice… jk it happens all the time! But it’s what I CHOOSE to do about it (pray) that keeps me away from what the enemy would like to happen.

DAVID: When Jesus came to fulfill the law, He rose the standards of daily living. The fact that phone sex is not sexual intercourse and it does not pose the same risks as having sex before marriage, including an unplanned and/or unwanted pregnancy, severe heartbreak after a breakup, or sexually transmitted diseases, the intent behind the act makes it sexually unfaithful. “Phone sexing” with Ella would be sending her this message; “I do not wish to bang bang boogy with you just yet, but I would like to use the sound of your voice to help me satisfy my sexual urges, if you don’t mind.” And to God, I would be saying, “hey Lord, I know I am objectifying your daughter, who is not even mine by marriage, and using her voice and sexual sounds to feed my doggy, but at least I’m not touching her, right?” The point of practicing sexual faithfulness and waiting is not to find safer ways to satisfy sexual needs(phone sex, masturbation, pornography), it is instead the journey to die to your physical self, including that seemingly uncontrollable sexual nature, handing it to God now, so that He can hand it back on the wedding night. I stay telling Ella, “make sure you get some sleep before the wedding day, don’t be getting up super early that morning to get ready, make sure you have an easy-on, easy-off reception gown, make sure you have some Red Bull after the reception dinner, and tell all your family and friends to save all the congratulation phone calls for the following month cuz as soon as we get home, I’m turning into a kid at a candy shop with an unlimited gift card”, but that’s nuna y’all bidness.

3. How do you makeup after arguments without sex?

ELLA: After we have our disagreements, we give each other space then we talk it out…and talk it out again. We talk until everything that needs to be said is said, all that needs to be fixed is out and until we figure out ways to prevent the problem from happening again. There wouldn’t be room for this to happen if sex was involved, because of the way my mind is setup and how “good sex” is I’d just end up saying “you know what…it wasn’t even that serious”. Immediately the problem is brushed to the side and the root of the issue is never attended to, soooo it comes up again! Everything seems to go back to normal after you have sex but you never truly heal, sex just covered it up but it’s not strong enough to get rid of the issue.

DAVID: We give each other time to master our emotions so that we can come together to talk things over in the spirit of understanding and forgiveness. The time spent apart also allows us to seek God’s voice in the matter, without being distracted by the other person. In this way, God remains the focus and He never fails to reveal the truth of the situation so that if I am wrong (which tends to be the case, sadly), I can come to that realization outside of Ella telling me. Having sex might make us feel better about the situation, but like alcohol, it will only provide a temporary bliss before the problem surfaces again and becomes a reality that we must face. So to answer the question simply but not really, we make up after arguments by looking to God because we believe that He is the Creative Mind behind our coming together and therefore we choose to walk with Him towards solutions for our disagreements.

4. Do you guys ever talk about sex?... is it awkward?

ELLA: Yeah, but not like how it’s usually done because that can be very dangerous. In previous relationships, talking about sex meant discussing positions and simply trying to figure out what the other person likes. We don’t have conversations about sex but when it’s brought up in a conversation we joke about it and keep it moving. When we do speak on it, it’s about us as a married couple and we never go into details…because that’s just asking for trouble. For example our talks about sex are about how we’re going to go “missing” during our reception, when God finally gives us the green light…its TURN UP time! and how waiting is extremely hard. So, we never talk about the actual act, and it’s always with respect to God because that’s our wedding gift from Him!

DAVID: As my love beautifully stated, we do talk about sex and we do our best to stay away from explicit details. I think we’ve established that I’m the filthy minded one who continuously makes inappropriate jokes(working on stopping). However, when we do seriously talk about sex, we remind ourselves why we’ve chosen to wait. We think about whether or not we should implement new guidelines to help us keep ourselves from tempting one another. We also pray for more strength and wisdom in this area because society is getting slicker at trying to convince us that we’re crazy, ignorant, and close-minded, and so we need God to constantly recharge our zeal, lest we become hypocrites who write blogs about one thing, but live lives that do not match up.

5. What do you guys do for fun?

ELLA:  We date. as in we actually go on dates and I've realized how expensive it is to actually pursue someone lol but it's worth it. We broke out of the habit of a dinner and a movie, we stay away from routines because they can get boring fast. Dates where we can actually interact with each other are the best. For example we went on a tree top adventure course and I didn't go in expecting it would help me grow in our relationship, but that's exactly what it did. That couldn't have happened if we were laid up cuddling all the time. I also really do enjoy our weekly bible studies!! The deeper we fall in love with God, the better our love gets...and that’s always fun!

DAVID: Hmmm. I used to think dinner and movies were fun, all the time. Apparently, according to this fine and beautiful (sometimes annoying JK) lady named Ella, routine gets boring quickly. I guess mixing things up hasn’t been too bad. Our wallets would say otherwise, but you can’t put a price on love, right...right…right. (sorry, I needed to remind myself). But in all seriousness, looking for and finding new and fun things to do together has been a blessing. A highlight was definitely the treetop adventures date. LOL, the laughing was TOO REAL. Completing the adult course with Ella, in spite of her initially expressed fear, was awesome and hilarious. Next up, we’ll be taking on the ice, so stay tuned. I’ll make sure to get a lot of pics of Ella holding onto the walls as she tiptoes around the rink.

 6. Do you have oral sex?

 

ELLA: Nah. oral sex is sex too. I think for us, it’s because of the way we started things off and how we value physical intimacy. We waited 1 year and 7 months to kiss, so if a kiss is that sacred to us then our private areas are definitely off limits until we’re married. I know some couples may think it’s okay to do everything else and just save the intercourse but that defeats the purpose. We’re supposed to be pursuing a life of purity wholeheartedly, with every part of our lives. James 1:8 says “ a double-minded person is unstable in all his ways”, either you flee from premarital sex or you don’t. As a couple your walk with Christ will be unstable and you won’t feel the presence of God in your relationship because you've only given Him a piece of it.  So for us, no to oral sex because the first time I see David naked I don’t want to hold back, feel restricted or guilty. That’s just torture not fun.

7. How do you keep him interested without sex?

ELLA: LOL. This is just another reminder of how good GOD is! Please don’t judge but in high school, I was a FIRM believer in the “power of the P”. Even when it failed I knew they’d always come back, too blind to see that I was being used. Living God's way has not failed me, I don’t need to unclothe or give myself to David but he’s loves me deeper than I’ve ever been loved. It’s so weird, I used to put so much effort in trying to keep a guy I was interested in, interested enough to not play games. It didn’t help that I was constantly reminded that “men are visual creatures”. I used to wear clothes that complimented my figure to distract my previous bf from my face not being a 10. All for the sake of being “bad”, and making sure he believed I was an upgrade from his ex. Basically, I put in too much work for mediocre results because he still cheated! Nothing worked, I just want to make it very clear… it does not matter how skinny or thick you are, how pretty you are, how good of a cook you are or how good you are in bed, nothing can stop a boy from playing his game. When me and David got together I was afraid, at the time it didn’t matter what God had said about us because I didn’t know how to not think like how I did in relationships. I knew in his previous relationship they were sexually active and all I could think about is how am I supposed to compete with that?! Talk about Jesus? ...but what if he gets bored! As I leaned on God, He worked in me and I realized that I don’t need to arouse David to keep him interested in me.  Any female can do that! I wish I could provide a list of tricks and things to do to, but I don’t have any. All I do is love God, work towards being the woman He’s called me to be and as His light shines through me, David is able to “see” the real me. Since he knows the real me, I have no competition or feel the need to seduce him to keep him. Keeping a guy interested with sex has failed over and over again, there are examples everywhere from celebrities to your friends or your own experiences. I think love keeps him interested.

8. Do you ever get turned on by each other? Do you find each other attractive?

DAVID: All the time and every time. I find her beyond attractive. I am turned on by the thought of her, her voice, her presence, practically everything that involves her turns me on. Abstaining from having sex with her has definitely been my toughest project to date.

ELLA: Absolutely. I don't think I've ever been attracted to anyone as much as I am to this guy. That's what makes saving myself for him, when he's my husband so much harder. I've actually prayed and fasted for God to take away my attraction for him so that I wouldn't do or think about anything that will displease Him. It made sense while I was doing it but when I told David about it I had to laugh at myself. Needless to say, I probably had God cracking up too. I've always said I wanted to marry someone I was attracted to and when God went above and beyond...I begged Him to take it away lol. If he took the attraction away I wouldn't need Gods help, I wouldn't understand what it truly means to let God take control. I'm too weak for David to take credit for being able to save myself for him...it's God.


 Thank you reading we hope it helped, be on the look out for Part 2 !  Don't forget God is crazy about you and He's waiting with His arms wide open!

#davidandella

Grace and Love,

David & Ella

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